Pardoning others is Jesus’ true requirement for repentance.
By Fr. Niall O’Brien

"Shortly after I first arrived in the Philippines, I was summoned one night on a sick call. A young man had been stabbed. I remember that when he died, his brother cried out in a terrifying voice, swearing revenge.

I was profoundly shocked. Maybe I wouldn’t have been had I known about my own ancient Celtic heritage in which revenge was considered an almost-sacred obligation.

I have never had any difficulty knowing that forgiving one’s enemies is essential for being a disciple of Jesus. His teaching on forgiveness is consistent, continuous and as clear as the moon on a cloudless night: “That is how my Heavenly Father will deal with you, unless you each forgive your brother from your hearts” (Matthew 18:35).

I had been reading the late Anthony de Mello’s book titled “Contact with God: Retreat Conferences.” In one chapter, called “Dangers of Repentance,” de Mello wrote about the difficulty we have in believing that we are forgiven.

Nowhere in the New Testament does Jesus tell us that we must say we are sorry to receive forgiveness for our sins. We have made such a fuss about contrition. I have had so many penitents who were bothered about whether or not they had sufficient contrition.

We get lost in what Jesus did not even explicitly and insistently demand. Jesus said that if you want forgiveness from his heavenly Father, then you must forgive your brother.

That one condition was conspicuously absent from the conditions for a “good confession” found in our catechism books. We were quite meticulous about examining our consciences and telling our sins to a priest, making the act of contrition and fulfilling the penance given to us. We were not told that the more important need was to forgive our brother any wrong he has done to us.

Indeed, if this forgiveness is missing, our sins are not forgiven, no matter how perfect our contrition or accurate the recital of our wrongdoings.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Equal Reconciliation
Forgiving those who have offended us does not necessarily mean becoming friends with them. That’s called “reconciliation,” and that’s another day’s work.

It only takes one to forgive, but it takes two to be reconciled. You can pardon someone, but you can’t force reconciliation upon them or yourself. Forgiving is an act, but reconciliation is a process, and sometimes it’s a long one. Forgiveness is the first step towards reconciliation.

I think we sometimes enjoy not forgiving. We get comfort from harboring the memory of an evil done to us or to our family. We like to keep the memory warm, and it becomes hard to let it go.

We even feel that we are being unfaithful to our family members if we forgive someone who did something wrong to them. Surely it was this idea of faithfulness to his dead brother that made that young man cry out his promise of revenge.

Forgiveness does not come easily; it’s a grace—a grace we need to pray for. The Lord slipped it into the “Our Father” so it would become a permanent part of our daily prayer: “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”Jesus knew we would find it difficult.

I doubt if there is one person reading this article who hasn’t been injured by someone. Maybe you are saying to yourself, “But this person really intended to wrong me. They did it with malice.”

That’s the point. It is because he or she intended to harm you and did it with malice that you have something to forgive. The strange irony is that if the person had not hurt you, you would not have the opportunity to forgive.

I often hear it said in the Philippines, “Ako ang mas matanda. Siya ang mas bata. Siya dapat ang maunang humingi ng tawad.” (“She [or he] is younger than I am. She [or he] should make the first move.”)

I don’t agree. I think the one who was hurt can make the first move. Only that person can forgive.

A Lighter Place To Live
An estimated 160 million people were killed in 20th century wars. Can you imagine the distress, anger and unforgiven hurt that remain after these deaths?

My own theory is that when we forgive, we not only lift a burden from our heart, we lift it from the Earth and the human race as well, making the world a lighter place in which to live.

In his dying moments, Jesus gasped the words, “Father, forgive them.” He had already forgiven his persecutors in his heart, but He wanted us to know it and to imitate him.